The Unholy European Empire
1. People of a nervous disposition and/or rat-lovers are advised not to read the horrifying account that follows.
2. It records the final part of the third secret summit between Tony Blair, Jacques Chirac and Gerhard Schroeder at the Granita Restaurant, Islington, London on 11 September 2004.
2. The session was recorded by a PicoBug entity representing the People and Tiny Entities Free Republic of Trinity College Cambridge (in England).
Schroeder. (Baring teeth). Tony, Jacques and I have some announcements to make. First, I must report that small surveillance devices from the Australian criminals have observed our previous meetings. I now order the EuroNanoKiller swarm to destroy them.
(Euro swarm descends on Australian NanoBugs and, after a lengthy battle – in Nano terms- succeeds in destroying all but one. The survivor escapes to the Trinity PicoBug entity, which – being Pico – is invisible to the Euros).
Chirac. (Looking weasel-like). Clear the room! (French and German security personnel enter room and make captive all the serving personnel, plus Howard, Blair’s house troll). And now, take that!!! (Stabs Gordon the rat with his steak knife, Gordon expires).
Schroeder. (Smiling triumphantly). We are now private and we will be brief. Tony, if you wish to leave this room alive you must unequivocally commit to a series of actions that will lock the UK permanently into the UEE.
Blair. (Blubbering). Bastards, you’ve killed Gordon! I’d agreed on everything anyway, that wasn’t necessary! We were a team, and I though we were friends!
Chirac, Schroeder. (Laughing evilly). Fool! We are French, we are German. How can we be friends! We wish the destruction of everything your country stands for. Low taxes, liberty, kindness to animals, compromise, moderation, high trust, honesty. We kill people. You are an amateur!
Blair. (Shrugging weakly). But why don’t you just stay with the plan? That should get you the UEE!
Chirac. (Hitting table). Because it is a half measure and you are still bound by stupid English ideas of justice and fair play. We will now tell you what to do, and you will agree to do it. If you do not agree, you will get what Gordon got! And you will stay with us because we have recordings of all of our meetings and if they become public you will be ruined! (Ed: Bugger, I missed the EuroBugs, they were hiding in Chirac’s nostril hairs).
Blair. (Looking defeated). OK, tell me what you want.
Schroeder. (Standing up and walking behind Blair). The UEE will destroy the UK as an independent political entity. Why? Because the UK would otherwise be a permanent beacon to the UEE oppressed. In spite of all my country’s efforts, the UK has again overtaken Germany and France economically. Your country is full of economic refugees from the UEE.
Chirac. (Looking evil). So the UK is like the West was to the Easy Germans (S winces). If we leave you to keep growing, UEE citizens will see you on their TVs and on the Internet. Getting richer, building new marvels, strengthening the hegemony of the English-speaking world. Living longer. Eating better. (Ed: rambles on at great length about all the nice things the Brits will do).
Schroeder. (Shaking Blair’s chair). But that will not happen! You will adopt Uniform Fair Taxation. (Ed: 60%). You will follow our Foreign Policy. You will cede control of your armed forces to us. You will adopt Civil Law (Ed: Continental law which dispenses with presumption of innocence and trial by jury). You will eject all American troops. You will shut down Fylingdales (Ed: Anglo-American missile defense radar in Yorkshire). You will transfer the City of London to Frankfurt. You will join the Euro, transferring all your overseas assets to the ECB. (Ed: European Central Bank). Did I cover it all Jacques?
Chirac. (Nibbling at remnant of Gordon). You forgot the abdication of the Queen, the movement of all UK defense forces to Germany under UEE control and their replacement in the UK with French and German troops.
Blair. (Looking pale). OK, OK, nothing we haven’t agreed! Why the drama!
Schroeder. (Leaning forward and hissing in Blair’s face). Because It Will Not Happen Unless You Make It!!! The British will not allow it, because it goes against 400 years of their history. You cannot do this by being clever and spinning. You will have to be as brutal, criminal and unscrupulous as we are!
Chirac. (Looking decisive) So, here are your orders. 1. Isolate your people from the Americans, and vice versa, so they can see no help. 2. Destroy your people’s self-belief and 3. Rig the vote on the so-called EU Constitution so that it passes.
Schroeder. (Sitting down, seizing Blair’s hand and dislocating one of his fingers). You have done well with the Americans. By supporting them in Iraq you have bought political capital. You must now cash that in and have Bush urge your people to vote for the constitution. (Blair whimpers, “Ow, Rumsfeld!”)
Chirac. (Seizing other Blair hand and dislocating another finger). Our forcing a British terrorist onto an American plane in Paris has ensured that every Briton now entering America is treated like a felon – as you were! Those that still visit and those scared of going will see America not as a second home but as a police state. To prevent any risk of the Americans relaxing this regime for their allies (S laughs), you will ensure that another terrorist event takes place, again with a British citizen. Understand!
Blair. (Tucks hands under arms, nods miserably).
Schroeder. (Smiling thinly). So now you must make the Americans truly hate the British. We will leave it to you to decide which of the many options you follow. You may wish to consider sponsoring a UN resolution designating America a terrorist state.
Blair. (Brightening up). Easy! Willy Wanker (Ed: Affectionate Brit name for the 42nd President of the United States) entertained and sponsored the IRA. Kennedy (Ed: The One That Drowned the Girl) funded them. Bush invites their top brass to St Patrick’s Day parades. I can just publish the pictures of the people they mutilated & killed. Including the soldiers (Ed: 719, which adjusted for population is 2,800, over double US losses to date in Iraq).
Chirac. (Looking threatening). Good, just make it happen! Now you must break your people. Not that it matters for the election, but because afterwords we want them to stay broken and avoid the need for repressive measures that may spiral out of control…
Schroeder. (Rapping on Blair’s head with his fork). You will destroy all remnants of trusted institutions. First, to demoralize the Army you will keep up your stream of prosecutions of combat soldiers (Blair nods)! You will ensure that your land-owning class are killed while attempting to assert their rights to hunt foxes! You will introduce homosexual counseling for 6 year olds! You will not shut down the BBC! You will ensure that your police persecute only motorists! You will require that your judges free all terrorists and will not give custodial sentences to criminals! You will fill your House of Lords with your own placemen. You will ensure extensive and visible corruption at all levels of government! You will arrest dissenters using your MoD police and VAT teams!
Blair. (Popping fingers back and looking brighter). But I’m doing all of that, what’s the fuss about. Ow! (Chirac nails his hand to the table).
Chirac. (Snarling). Because you will soon face serious resistance. And you must crush it! Understand, crush it! As we did in Algeria – 4 million dead! You are not a cruel man, but you must become one! You will have to kill and imprison many of your countrymen and break many laws. You have to fix that referendum, so that a) it passes and b) your population is too demoralized to question ever again its absorption into the UEE. (Un-nails Blair’s hand).
Blair. (Shuddering), let me think. (Wanders around room watched carefully by C, S and five BND agents (Ed: German intelligence), returns, sits down). OK, you’re right, I have no choice.
Chirac, Schroeder. (Smiling grimly). Then say what you must say!
Blair. (Looking grey). Let me assure you, my masters, that the UEE shall always have in me a faithful and grateful servant. (Ed: Now who last said that?).
Schroeder. (Looking menacing). Good, now go to do what you must. We expect weekly progress reports and will meet here again on February 1, 2005 for a face-to-face progress report. Which had better be good! Now go and get medical attention!
Blair (Sniffling). It will be as you instruct, masters. (Exits, stumbling).
Chirac. (Looking contemptuous). Useless bastard.
Schroeder. (Looking Teutonic). Subhuman.
(Trinity Pico swarm departs to mother ship).
End of part 4 and end of meeting