The second secret summit between Tony Blair, Jacques Chirac and Gerhardt Schroeder took place at the Granita Restaurant, Islington, London on 11 September 2003.
This meeting was monitored, as before, by a mixed swarm of Israeli and Japanese NanoBugs.
For brevity, I have edited out the social chitchat.
Schroeder. (Beaming rotundly). As rotating chairman, I call this meeting to order. We agreed that we would have a discussion on Iraq, then review progress towards our Final Solution: The Unholy European Empire!
Chirac. (Wearily). My view on Iraq is so far, so good. We bought our friends the 6 months they needed, and the supply of the resistance fighters in Syria and Iran is going well. Our WSMD are safe in Syria. American losses are 1 per day, but we hope through targeting (sniggers) to improve this soon.
Schroeder. (Patting hairpiece in place). We got our long range Scuds out too. And Jacques, you are a master! How did you persuade the Poles that those French missiles stamped “1.1.03” were actually made on January 3 2001?
Chirac. (Smiles). Oh I just told their President to put a CAP on it! (All laugh evilly).
Blair. (Looking boyishly soulful). Can’t say I’m pleased. I mean we ended up having to go to war, and now everyone thinks I’m a Little Hitler (sorry Gerhardt). And I can’t withdraw.
Schroeder. (Suspiciously). Why ever not? Everyone rats on the Americans!
Blair. (Looking even more soulful). It’s Rumsfeld. I suggested we withdraw, and he nailed my head to the floor. (Sobs).
Schroeder, Chirac. (Looking concerned). That must have been terrible.
Blair. (Painfully). Yes, but he was fair. I mean I deserved it. And he could have cut my head off and shrunk it, like he did to all those New York Times reporters. Keeps ‘em in a shoebox on his desk.
Schroeder, Chirac. (Looking shocked, shocked). This is beyond terrible! Making desk ornaments of New York Times reporters! My God, what will he do next? Why is this not known?
Blair. (Leans forward confidingly). Well you know the NYT. If they don’t like a fact, they pretend it never happened! And they do that by putting it, in 2-point type on Page 37, next to their Corrections and Retractions Column. Needs an X-ray microscope of course. But it’s there “Defense Secretary Makes Ornament of Editor”, and so on.
Schroeder, Chirac. (Reassuringly). Well, we forgive you, and the Botox seems to have filled the hole filled nicely.
Blair. (Looking boyishly rueful). So we went in with the Americans, and they gave us the easy Shiite part. As usual our soldiers fought like lions and the officers led like donkeys. Do you know my head Army honcho told me the Health and Safety at Work Act applied to officers, so they wouldn’t be able to do anything dangerous? I mean, bloody hell, what’s the point of them?
Chirac. (Lighting Gauloise). So, progress of a sort. The one sad outcome is that the Americans have realized how useless their CIA is. And Bush may reform it (sobs).
Schroeder (Laughing, laughing). Yes, but what fun it has been for us! They sent an idiotic minor Clinton politician (Ed: oxymoron) as their Special Agent to Find The Truth About Yellowcake Uranium In Niger? James Bond was revolving in his water-bed!
Chirac. (Smiling evilly). And he didn’t even know that Niger is a wholly owned subsidiary of France. So we were able to spin them into frenzy. And only Tony’s Intel people noticed!
Blair. (Looking apologetic). Yes, sorry about that, won’t happen again. What I found so bizarre is that the wife of the bloke they sent runs the CIA’s WMD program! And she swore she had nothing to do with his assignment. Then it turns out that she recommended him in writing! And she says she forgot! And she’s the person the Americans relied on to commit 250,000 men to war. And she still in her job!
Chirac. (Snickering). Well, it’ll stay broken for a while, so we don’t need to worry yet. They have also totally messed up their economy with their crazy airline security system that gropes women. So women won’t travel! Wow! You’ll see Tony; they’ll be fingerprinting you on your next visit!
Blair. (Laughing). No Jacques, that’s going to far! Mind you the bureaucrats who gave posthumous visas to 9/11 hijackers are still there, so I wouldn’t put it past them.
Schroeder. (Wiggling eyebrow implants). So that’s a wrap on Iraq Chaps! Lets turn to our Grand Project after a comfort break.
(Ed: Several bottles of wine later, discussion resumes).
Schroeder. (Looking sincere). Jacques, I’d like to thank you for the excellent work Valery (Ed: Giscard d’Estaing, an extremely French person) did pulling the Constitution together, it gives us all we need.
Blair, Chirac. (Nodding). Yup, agreed.
Chirac. (Looking wise). I particularly like how long it is. Nobody is going to read it. And it’s sooo complex as we planned, none of this “We hold these truths” nonsense!
Blair. (Giggling). And I particularly like the way voting is handled. I mean it says every country has an equal vote, but my boffins tell me that it actually makes “voting weight” directly proportional to population. That’s Us! Neat!
Schroeder. (Looking earnest). So we now start the campaign to get it implemented. After that we’re home and dry. Can we rehearse the talking points please? We need to be word perfect!
Blair, Chirac, Schroeder. (Standing up, hands on hearts). This constitution is just a tidying up exercise! Where it looks like a massive extension, trust us, it isn’t! Every State will have the same vote (giggles)! Every state can veto important matters (more giggles)! We promise not to let the European Court move the goalposts! It will not be amended! The European Parliament will have power! Nobody needs a referendum! (All sit down laughing, clink and drain wine glasses).
Blair. (Looking boyishly serious). Seriously though my friends we must all costs avoid referenda. There’s no chance I can get one through without creative accounting, and I’m nervous about Gordon (Ed: Brown, Blair’s rival) because that’s his hot topic & he’ll spot it.
Chirac. (Reassuringly). Don’t worry Tony, referenda will never happen…but if they do, my advice is do what I did for our Euro decision. Make sure there’s all sorts of places and ways people can vote, so nobody can keep track.
Schroeder. (Laughing, laughing). Excellent point Jacques! We can say it’s all part of modernizing voting. You know, easily massaged ways, like the Internet, texting and so on.
Chirac, Blair. (Sitting back). Great idea, let’s do it!
Chirac. (Leaning forward, raising eyebrows 10 inches). At our next meeting I want us to agree how to get rid of That Shitty Little Country (Ed: French term for Israel). We just found out they have nuclear missiles targeting Paris – just because we are targeting them! As you know they now have spy satellites, so in the unfortunate event of hostilities, I may be unable to conceal myself. So they must go!
(Ed. After NanoBug nanodiscussion, Israeli NanoBomb fires itself at Chirac, bounces off jowls uparmored by years of Gauloise smoke. Hits passing sommelier, who expires and is dragged out by apologetic Maitre d.)
Chirac. (Musingly). Funny, that keeps on happening, hey ho, now to the serious drinking!
(Ed. NanoBugs swarm off to mother ships).
End of transcript for September 11, 2003