And The Winner Is…

The judges will be torn tonight between two movies that appeal to their finer naturesBrokeback Mountain and Paradise Now. Here’s a compromise.

Brits have a rich tradition of creating combinations of pretentious movies – for example:

The Remains of the Piano, the Merchant Ivory/Jane Campion classic that scored a record 11 points out of 10 in the 1993 Brit Pretentious Movie Awards

The Jewel In India’s Passage, the neo-Bollywood romance , that tastefully combined the movies of E. M Forster’s A Passage to India and Paul Scott’s acclaimed Raj Quartet.

In this tradition, DU announces for the 2006 Oscars:

Mountin’ Paradise

The movie begins with Mohammed (Tim Robbins), a hunky bisexual eco-friendly Iranian jihadist, leaving his hometown. He’s denounced every girl he’s dated to the local Mullah, who has stoned or hanged her, as appropriate. Dateless, he travels with his First Goat, Paradise (cameo, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad) to Israel.

Mohammed, concerned about depletion of non-renewable virgins in Islamic paradise, invents the eco-friendly solution – kill the 72 virgins and take them with you! He and Paradise search out groups of Israeli girls aged between 8 and 14, only to be thwarted by an evil bloodsucking Mossad operative (Gary Busey) who launches a free group texting service for Israeli kids, removing the need for them to gather in large groups.

So Mohammed and Paradise head for Iraq where the killin’ is easier. They’re stopped at a roadblock by the evil Neville (Michael Moore), a National Guardsman from Ohio who instantly forms a passion for Paradise and goatnaps her for his pleasure.

Paradise finally escapes with the aid of a singing squirrel (cameo, Cindy Sheehan) and two lovable dancing rabbits (this gets the movie PG-13 in blue states) and returns to the passionate arms of Mohammed, who during her durance vile has located the perfect target – a fifth-grade class of exactly 72 Shiite girls!

The end is pure tragedy. Mohammed decides to take Paradise with him, and the film tracks them in slomo as they walk together across the sunlit schoolyard to the target, wearing their trusty Nokia-triggered bomb belts. But then Neville places a call to Paradise (he’d found her cell number in her PDA) and both bombs explode prematurely. Paradise ends up in goat hell, and Mohammed in virginless paradise.

Neville, overcome with remorse, deserts and joins the Government Of The Free State Of Palestine as an entry-level suicide bomber.

What’s not to like?

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