Death Of The Media: The Movie

To balance the movie about the murder of the President, here’s our outline for the next Hollywood blockbuster.

This is the left’s wish fulfillment (hat tip LGF, my ellipsis):

In “Death of a President,” George W. Bush is murdered after making a speech in Chicago on Oct. 19, 2007. Outside the Sheraton Hotel there are massive, violent demonstrations that recall the 1968 Democratic National Convention in Chicago more than anything of recent times.

The president’s motorcade is stopped by unruly protesters; the police don riot gear and use tear gas. It’s a bad scene, as the faux Secret Service agent who was protecting Bush recalls during the mockumentary part of the film.

…After Bush is killed and Dick Cheney becomes president, it takes about seven months for law enforcement to arrest a Syrian-American for the assassination. He’s tried and convicted.

In the meantime, we meet a black soldier recently returned from Iraq. He is initially suspected but later dismissed. Then it turns out his brother died in the war, and their distraught father has killed himself because of it.

The soldier goes through his father’s things and realizes that his grieving dad was Bush’s real killer. He held the president responsible for his son’s death.

Here’s the plot for a more civilized wish fulfillment:

“Death of The Media” starts with a massive explosion destroying the BBC’s London TV center. Reuters and AP footage show Green Helmet (there to receive an honor from the Press Association) displaying body parts – detached yellow-socked feet still inside Gucci loafers, mutilated heads with pink bow ties still attached, eyeballs squished against Linberg eyeglasses, etc.

The world’s unluckiest multiple homeowner is shown grieving – apparently her bijou London residence next door has been cratered.

Next day the remaining BBC offices, and those of AP at Camden Lock, Reuters in Canary Wharf, and AFP in Paris are all quite exploded. That’s quickly followed by the destruction of the editorial offices (and staff) of the LAT, CNN, Minneapolis Strib, Boston Post, WaPo and others.

Kofi Annan immediately makes an impassioned speech to the (somewhat diminished) UN Press Corps stating the attacks were “apparently deliberate murders by right wing bloggers to quell dissent”. Sadly he perishes later that day, when, on a State Visit to the NYT, the building detonates taking with it him and the entire editorial staff and board of directors.

The UN 2IC steps into Annan’s (still smoldering) custom Lobb shoes and demands the Security Council mandates a UN Peacekeeping Force to round up the Right Wing Conspiracy of Bloggers, plus (of course) Hannity, O’Reilly and Limbaugh.

A US veto is overridden by a special resolution proposed by Prime Minister Cameron (regrettably to perish next day when a fawning interview at ITV in London is terminated by that body’s detonation).

The UN’s French/German/Belgian/Iranian Peacekeeping force is mostly successful in arresting the bloggers (although an entire French Army Division surrenders in the Battle Of Coulter’s Front Yard), and the captive bloggers are transported to The Hague to face 6-year trials.

But the explosions continue, even though the Brit government bans airline passengers from carrying laptops with LGF in their browser bookmarks. Ultimately over 40,000 journos are shredded, defenestrated or immolated in every part of the world – from London to the Lebanon, from Biloxi to Baghdad.

Finally the only surviving media outlets are the WSJ and London Guardian. An investigative blogger who escaped the UN has a hunch and shows a Guardian journalist how to turn on a computer and use Photoshop. The very next day the entire editorial staff of that organ is wiped out in an enormous explosion.

The blogger goes on to prove the explosions are caused by excessive use of the Clone command in Photoshop on a specific brand of computer. This causes processor overheating, which blows the battery, which in turn causes a cold fusion blast. So it goes. The WSJ survives because it uses funny line drawings rather than photos.

The film ends with the Chairman of the computer company apologizing for “any inconvenience caused”, and promising to step down to being an ordinary director at some point. The Bloggers are released and return to heroes’ welcomes – while not bitter, they have acquired a visceral hatred for Dutch cuisine.

Stripped of its publicity machine, the Islamic terror campaign disintegrates. Iraq becomes a stable democracy and in 2009 its baseball team wins the World Series. Democratic Persia’s cricket team beats the English at Lords in 2010, maintaining a long tradition. Palestinians start growing tomatoes.

All is right with the world.

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