Brits Badger Basrans

The citizens of Basra are complaining that Brit troops have loosed killer badgers on them. That’s a vile slur against a noble species.

The badgering:

British forces in the Iraqi city of Basra are being blamed for a plague of vicious badger-like creatures which have attacked livestock – and even humans.

Farmers have killed several ratels – desert carnivores that prey on cobras – with locals saying their arrival coincided with that of British soldiers.

British authorities – who are routinely blamed for many of the ills that befall Basrawis – have attempted to calm fears following reports of attacks, but to little effect.

Sattar Jabbar, a 50-year-old farmer from north of Basra said: “I saw it at night attacking animals. It even ate a cow.

“This animal appeared following a raid to the region by the British forces,” said Ali Mohsen, who farms near a British air base. “They probably released this animal into the area.”

Ha! If these were Brit badgers, they’d have done a great deal more than eat the odd cow. DEFRA, the UK’s most incompetent government agency, is convinced Brit badgers go round infecting cows with TB.

Well, I used to hang out with the Badger Set in my English garden and found them perfectly sound.

As pointed out in an earlier post, if a badger is hurt by a car, two will help it along, propping on either side, while another one walks point. So if you come upon a solitary badger while you’re driving at night, stop – he’ll have a stretcher party behind him.

On the other hand, if you encounter any DEFRA officials, singly or in a pack, it’s OK to whack the lot, although they’re said to be quite inedible.

As for the Basrans, they seem to be afflicted a local creature:

British Army spokesman Major David Gell said the animals were thought to be a kind of honey badger – melivora capensis – which weigh up to 30lb but are usually only dangerous to humans if provoked.

“They are native to the region but rare in Iraq. They’re nocturnal carnivores with a fearsome reputation, but they don’t stalk humans and carry them back to their lair,” he said.

Mind you, with a bit of training…


2 Responses to Brits Badger Basrans

  1. Giles says:

    Gandalf – actually, the existence of the elite British SBS (Special Badger Service) has been an open secret in the military community for a number of years now. A recent surreptitiously-filmed clip shows them in training at their Yorkshire base:



  2. gandalf says:


    Yorkshire? Ha! Basra!

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