Asymmetric Warfare For Brits

Asymmetric warfare is the struggle between two unequally matched parties, and accurately describes the relationship between Brits and their UK + EU rulers.

The good news for Brits is that the weaker party can easily win – here are a few lighthearted examples.

Airport Security

No matter how abusive this is it doesn’t want you to miss your flight! That’s because if you’ve checked bags, the entire plane has to be unloaded, messing up the airport’s schedule for hours. So always check a bag, preferably something you can lose, and don’t leave too much time to get through security.

Then while transiting security you should cheerfully over comply.

That means slowly and carefully removing belts, jackets, coats, computers, shoes, plastic bags of liquids, cellphones etc. Ask worriedly about trousers, socks etc. Then insist on waiting until you have a tray for each item. Then after x-ray take ages to retrieve your stuff and repack it, while generally getting in the way.

It helps if you limp very slowly, look at your watch a lot, and remark loudly to other travelers that you’re sure the nice people will get you on a later flight. Say “Mustn’t Grumble” a lot.

The security folks will rush you through faster than they do a Saudi Arabian Sheik.

A similar technique works if (as is rumored) Spanish security won’t let you through unless all your fluids are in one of those zippable plastic bags you (inexplicably) can’t buy in the UK. In that case, just remark cheerfully that you’ll catch a later flight, and would they please be so kind as to your hold your checked bag?

Same technique works if you refuse to use the “voluntary” Heathrow x-ray machine that shows you naked & they try to send you to the back of the line.

Or you can just wear a Burka.

French Passport Control

The French have a habit of sending Brits to the (long) non-EU citizens passport line. You deal with that by joining the EU line, and, when the passport person waves you away, looking bewildered and pointing at the “European Union” logo on your passport.

Ask lots of questions in broken French, genially referring to the passport person as “My Old”.

They will eventually pull a gun or indicate in some other French way that your presence is not welcome.

Then allow a look of joy to suffuse your countenance and exclaim “You mean we’re out of the EU? Oh Rejoice! Rejoice!”. Then turn and shake hands with any French persons nearby saying “Adieu, My Old”, and calling to any Brits “We’re Out! We’re Free! Free!”.

If you keep this up, a French person will appear to soothe you, and you can happily explain to them that next time they visit London they’ll use the same passport lane as all the Americans, Australians etc. And that’ll be an excellent chance to brush up on their English.

Then ask where the nearest phone is so you can pass on the good news to your local paper. Somewhere along this route, they’ll probably crack.

But they’re French, and may not. In which case go through the “Aliens and Feelthy British” channel happily humming Rule Britannia. That always irritates them.

****

The serious point is that authority has the monopoly of violence so you should always comply. But it also has other goals, like keeping airports running. So if it’s abusive, look to over comply in such a way as to make it miss its goals.

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