Flight Of The Penguins

April 1, 2008

Not only has global warming caused the Eskimos to be overrun by filthy robins, but now the melting of the antarctic has forced the humble penguin to take flight. So we were wrong to deny global warming – the planet is doomed.

The news from Antarctica (my ellipsis):

The BBC will today screen remarkable footage of penguins flying as part of its new natural history series, Miracles of Evolution.

Camera crews discovered a colony of Adélie penguins while filming on King George Island, some 750 miles south of the Falkland Islands…

…(when) the weather took a turn for the worse…(r)ather than getting together in a huddle to protect themselves from the cold, they did something quite unexpected, that no other penguins can do.

BBC1 viewers will see the penguins not only take flight from the Antarctic wastes, but fly thousands of miles to the Amazonian rainforest to find winter sun.

It’s all caused by the evolutionary pressures of global warming – now all the antarctic snow has gone, it looks like this:

To make retribution for my previous denial of global warming, I’ll be signing up with the al Qaeda chapter of Greenpeace today.


Swampy Rules

April 26, 2007

Brits use “Swampy” to describe the environmental activists now in control of the European asylum. These folks are making  Northern Europe’s future unhealthy and very smelly.

Swampy is used generically, although he’s said to be a real person. Just 2 years ago, Swampies just provided healthy aerobic exercise for City of London traders (my ellipsis):

Greenpeace had hoped to paralyse oil trading at the (International Petroleum Exchange – IPE ) in the City…on the day that the Kyoto Protocol came into force…

Protesters conceded that mounting the operation after lunch may not have been the best plan. “The violence was instant,” (a Swampy) said.

“They grabbed us and started kicking and punching. Then when we were on the floor they tried to push huge filing cabinets on top of us to crush us.”

…Behind him, on the balcony of the pub opposite the IPE, a bleary-eyed trader, pint in hand, yelled: “Sod off, Swampy.”

Now the Swampies are in control, having manipulated the EU into mandating massive taxes on landfill – as usual without democratic oversight.

They’ve reversed one of the great public health improvements of the Victorians by stopping weekly garbage collection – here’s the Blair government’s smelly directive:

With Labour facing potential losses at next Thursday’s polls, dropping weekly bin rounds has become a major political issue…

Using the euphemistic term Alternate Weekly Collection (AWC) instead of fortnightly rubbish collection, the guidance continues: “As an AWC is such a high profile change in service provision, a party in opposition can use the change for political gain.

“This can cause unnecessary public opposition either in advance of, or following the introduction of, an AWC scheme.

“There is evidence that such activity has resulted in an AWC not being introduced.

There are also examples of AWC schemes being withdrawn as a result of commitment to party manifestos.

“This risk should be identified at the outset and action taken to address it if necessary as soon as possible.”

…The guidance states: “A common concern raised by residents is that AWCs will lead to bad smells and problems with vermin linked to refuse and/or food waste being stored for a longer period of time.

“It is advisable to roll out the scheme in autumn, winter or early spring such that by the time warmer weather arrives, residents are used to the scheme and initial resistance has faded.”

Actually, the resistance will be dead – rats are major disease vectors.

Fortunately for us Gandalfs, our fourth attempt to buy an Italian refuge just succeeded. So we will not only enjoy superior Italian manners, dress, food, culture, transportation, weather, history, and scenery, but we now won’t die in the upcoming Brit plague, because (my ellipsis and emphasis):

The Italians have to leave their rubbish in several large bins which are placed on every street. Collection varies nationally but is usually weekly, or bi-weekly in some richer towns.

A rubbish tax, which is fixed by the local council, averages between £35 and £65 a year.

Since 1995, Italian councils have been obliged to recycle half of all glass, paper, metal and plastic that is thrown away.

There are no fines for failing to throw the waste into the correct bin. The Mafia plays a notable role in both domestic and industrial refuse, offering to remove it for much lower prices than competitors and then trafficking it, usually to China.

So in a couple of decades the Roman (and Mafia) may be back running the by-then depopulated British Isles.