The Italian Job (4)

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The Mystery of the Bad Cat

The fragrant Mrs Gandalf says I should alternate giving free consultancy to the Coalition with lightening up. “Do something about fluffy bunnies”, she commands.

How about this tail:

A man cooking in his kitchen was shot after one of his cats knocked his 9mm handgun onto the floor, discharging the weapon, Michigan State Police said.

Joseph Stanton, 29, of Bates Township in Iron County, was shot in his lower torso around 6 p.m. Tuesday, the state police post in Iron River reported. He was transported to Iron County Community Hospital.

Michelle Sand, a spokeswoman at the Iron River hospital, said Stanton was treated there before being transferred to Marquette General Hospital for further treatment. But Marcie Miller, a representative of the Marquette facility, said there was no record of the hospital receiving a patient by that name.

State police said he was cooking at his stove when the cat knocked the loaded gun off the kitchen counter behind him.

I have highlighted the information that is key to solving this mystery.

First, some additional information. A 9MM bullet is no joke – it’s worth at least 2 Italian Secret Service agents. And guns don’t off when you drop them (excepting the Brit Army SA-80, hat tip Giles). And people don’t usually vanish from hospitals.

Here is Gandalf’s masterly resolution of this fiendish crime.

Motive
The cat was related to the young Ms Gandalfette’s monsters:

A typical cat, it will stop at nothing to get its Super Premium Cat Treat.

Means
Two monsters co-operate to take the safety off – one firmly bites the gun while the other uses all paws for leverage. As cats do when you give them a friendly stroke and they wrap round your arm trying to bite it off.

Opportunity
The owner is selfishly cooking his own food. So a third cat distracts the owner’s attention by jumping onto the hob and looking cute. Think Puss In Boots. The other two, having run the tensor transforms to calculate direction and force, push the gun off the surface and plug the owner – painfully but non-fatally.

FollowUp
Absent the owner in hospital, there is No Cat Food. Disaster! So the monsters, pawsing only to check that he is recovered enough to open a Treat, catnap him from the Marquette General Hospital and take him home

QED

The Italian Job (3)

The Italian press seems to be belatedly realizing they got it wrong. LGF draws our attention to an creepily objective-seeming BBC report.

US forces might not have known that slain Italian secret agent Nicola Calipari was in Iraq to secure a hostage’s freedom, Italian papers say. Calipari was killed by US troops’ fire while escorting journalist Giuliana Sgrena by car to Baghdad airport.

But the press quotes an Italian general who liaised between US forces and Italian intelligence as saying he did not know Calipari was on a rescue bid. According to newspaper La Repubblica, Gen Mario Marioli helped the two Italian secret service agents obtain a special badge from the coalition forces on their arrival in Baghdad.

But Gen Marioli, who is the coalition forces’ second-in-command, reportedly was unaware that the officers were on a mission to free Ms Sgrena, and so the information he passed on to US officials was incomplete. Gen Marioli’s testimony is crucial because he is the man who was keeping the US forces informed of the car’s arrival before the fatal shooting, in which a US patrol killed the secret service agent and injured Ms Sgrena and a second officer.

Also, I’m relieved to see that my advice is being taken – Fox News reports:

The U.S.-led coalition in Iraq has ordered an investigation into the shooting, to be led by a U.S. brigadier general with Italian officials’ participation. That will include an examination of the Toyota Corolla the Italians were traveling in, which is expected to remain in Iraq for the time being, according to news reports. (my emphasis)

Based on the Red Reporter’s less delusional statements, the pictures of the vehicle & released autopsy data, I think this is what happened:

The vehicle raced up to the checkpoint in typical Italian manner, slowed for the concrete barriers, then shot through with the driver shouting “we are sovereign Italians, eat our dust” through his open window. The soldiers then followed ROE and halted the vehicle with a couple of 3-shot M-16 bursts.

I’ll wager a decent bottle of Grappa on this, let betting commence.

I repeat, all this hassle is not worth their 2,700-strong contingent, which is operating as a sovereign entity, independent of Coalition C&C.